I’ve been thinking a lot lately about uncertainty. Not in a theoretical, “growth mindset” kind of way, but in the very real, lived-in way where it touches almost every corner of your life.

Right now, if I’m being honest, uncertainty feels like the theme of my season.

My relationship. My living situation. My finances. My career slowly (very slowly) getting going. Some days it feels like 90% of my life is made up of question marks, and that’s deeply uncomfortable for me. I don’t love feeling stuck in this in-between space where timelines, needs, wants, and hopes all feel tangled together. It’s been hard to figure out how to honor myself and my partner without abandoning either of us in the process. There’s a grief that comes with not feeling chosen in the way you hoped to be, especially when you’re watching friends be loved loudly and confidently by their partners.

Living at my parents’ house while saving money has been another layer. Rent is wildly expensive where I live, and the idea of roommates doesn’t feel realistic right now, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Not having a space of my own makes me feel insecure in ways I don’t always know how to name. Financially, I wish I were further along, though I know I’m far from alone in that struggle.

And then there’s my career. Watching other stylists’ careers take off while mine feels slow-going has been humbling, challenging, and at times really discouraging. Comparison is something I actively have to work against. This season has required a lot of mindfulness, a lot of self-love, and a lot of reminding myself that slow doesn’t mean stuck.

When uncertainty shows up, my instinct is usually to try to control it. I like plans. I like answers. I like knowing where things are headed. And when I don’t have that, I can feel myself gripping a little too tightly. Sometimes to people, sometimes to outcomes, sometimes to versions of the future that haven’t even happened yet. I also tend to avoid hard conversations and difficult feelings, which is something I’m actively working on. Showing up fully, for myself and for the people I love, hasn’t always been easy, but I’m proud of how far I’ve come. And then there’s the overthinking… I could overthink something that doesn’t require a single thought. It’s a skill I wish I could list on a résumé, honestly. Learning how to come back to the present and stop spiraling has been ongoing work.

This season hasn’t asked me to solve everything. It’s asked me to sit with things instead. To sit with unanswered questions about timing – in my career, my personal life, the boxes I thought I’d have checked by now. Almost all of my friends are married, getting married, having kids, or settled into their careers, and sometimes it’s hard not to feel behind. I had a picture of how my life would look at this point, and the reality doesn’t quite match. There’s been a quiet grieving process for the life and relationship I thought I’d have by now.

I don’t always trust the unfolding. Some days I really struggle. And other days I think, well… what am I going to do? Life keeps moving, whether I feel ready or not.

But I’ve survived uncertainty before. I switched majors more times than I can count. I’ve been in relationships and friendships that didn’t serve me. I’ve felt completely lost and also falsely convinced I had everything figured out. I’ve navigated depression, hormonal chaos, and seasons where I genuinely wondered if something was seriously wrong with me. And yet, here I am. Stronger than I ever realized. More capable than I gave myself credit for. Still growing.

When clarity isn’t available, self-care looks different. Lately, it’s looked like giving myself grace (and a lot of it). I really am my own worst critic. It’s also meant leaning on my support system and letting myself talk things out instead of holding everything in. There is so much wisdom in shared experience, and so much comfort in realizing you’re not the only one who’s felt this way.

I’ve been learning to pause, to take stock of what actually matters, and to ask gentler questions:
What do I need right now?
What small step can I take today to ease the anxiety?
What am I doing that’s adding to it?
Why does clarity feel so necessary in this moment?

Growth, in this season, doesn’t come with milestones or timelines and that’s been hard for me. When my schedule isn’t full or my progress isn’t obvious, it’s easy to feel unproductive or unworthy. I’m slowly unlearning the idea that I need to be constantly producing to matter. Right now, growth looks like staying organized, continuing my education, planning my days with intention and also allowing myself rest, space, and curiosity about life beyond achievement.

I’m still holding space for grief over what I thought would happen. But I’m also learning to notice the small signs that I’m moving forward, even when it doesn’t feel like it. The self-awareness. The boundaries I’m learning to name. The way I show up differently than I used to. The quiet resilience that keeps building, day by day.

I may not know what’s next, but I’m learning how to stay with myself while I wait. And maybe that’s enough for now.